I can't find the gumption to tell you what I really feel to your face. Instead I lament about it to my friends and anguish over it when I'm alone.
I didn't have the heart to close the door in your face after you knocked. I left it open and let you ruin my night.
I'm not as tough as I claim to be. I'm actually pretty soft on the inside and bleed easily.
I'm so grateful that you're usually there when I want to talk. I'd go crazy if there wasn't someone that I didn't have to explain myself to.
I feel that I'm not good enough for you. That there are more important things than me.
I think your promises are empty. I can't trust a single thing that comes out of your mouth.
I'm glad that you've opened up to me. I may not be the best person to talk to but I'm opposite of who you want to forget and that counts for something.
I'm afraid of becoming someone I don't want to be. It doesn't help that my escapisms drive me down that road.
I'm scared that you'll learn about my past and who I was. I don't want it to scare you a way.
I want to be there for you when you're having a bad day.
I want to be able to meet you half way.
I want to talk to you.

Thanksgiving break is coming up here with in the week. I'm ready. I'd just like a break at this point. Sleep in in the mornings, eat good home-cookin', etc. I'm getting worn down, at least mentally. I try to keep up a good front, I don't know if any gets annoyed with my childish antics. I've got to relax though, stop caring about things for a bit.
I'm still scared about grad school. I don't think anything is going to change that. But I can't do anything about that I guess.

How well do ultimatums work? I'm scared to put one out there. I don't want things to turn south, after all of this.
I've had a lot of talks with my friend. When I need to get a lot of things off my mind I can go and talk them over. It lets me breath a bit easier, something I need.

Words arn't coming as easily as I'd like them now.. I think bed is in order. At least to stop my mind from wandering too far.

"Cause I've always wanted to learn to... fly"

Who knew that senior year would be full of anxiety and stress? Ha! I mean outside of the requirements to graduate. I can't help but compare this to senior year in high school when I knew what I wanted to do, where I was going, what was expected of me. It didn't hurt to cut the ties of friendships that were nearly non-existent anyway. But now, this is college, this is university, this is "the best 4-6 years of your life". Now I'm faced with nearly the most uncertainty I've ever felt. What am I going to do next?

Its really difficult going to friends for help. Most already have a plan, or they don't have to worry for another year because they've gone the five year route. Scritter has the military to look forward to, Fenrir has a solid job waiting for him when he's done. It just seems like everyone around me is so sure of themselves and here I am adrift in a sea of possibilites without a compass.
So what have I done to ensure that I'm always in a mess like this?

Wow, talk about the past and a million things come back up.
I look over old poetry and go "holy shit! I actually wrote that?"
Not to mention looking over old LJ posts.
I'm not proud of the girl I used to be.
I read over a friends LJ today, going WAY back to see why he'd become himself
Opened my eyes a lot, let me know that he wouldn't be driven off by my past.

There are things I don't like to remember.
Things I've done that...  well
I don't hate me...
There are things I'd like to change.

I think about my life,
sometimes it feels like its going nowhere.
I can't see myself in the future.
I don't know if my relationship will pan out, or even get started
FML, capstone's a bitch.

"save yourself, don't worry about the rest"

Don't know you very well.
I see you once a week at most,
but it's so clear to me you are a gentle soul so,
I hope you have someone to share your deepest dreams with,
I hope you have someone that you can feel at ease with.
A light in the dark, an anchor, a spark, someone you can be sure of.
I hope your dreams come true, whatever they may be and,
I hope you see them through, fight for them 'til the end.
A light in the dark, an anchor, a spark, something you can be sure of.
A light in the dark, an anchor, a spark, something you can be sure of.
I wish you peace of mind, these are such troubled angry times.
I hope you keep the kind of friends you can rely on.
A light in the dark, an anchor, a spark, someone you can be sure of.
A light in the dark, an anchor, a spark, someone you can be sure of.
I hope you have someone, I hope your dreams come true,
I hope you see them through, I hope you have someone.

I need to make a list.
The Things Keri is not allowed to do. kinda like skippy's list.
1) Obtain/use C4
2) Repossess organs

Darn.
alright, still working on it.

Have a good night.

"Zydrate comes in a little glass vial"

So I'm only slightly bored. I've found myself with a lack of homework to do in this short time. I'm watching WWE RAW. Its a good fight but kinda boring to watch alone.
I turned 21 this weekend. It was a good time. A really good time. Went out to the DT and had some drinks with the clan. It turned out to be exactly what I wanted and needed.
Will's still busy, but we're trying. Its just little stuff right now but its nice.
Um... yes. I feel older now. I actually miss my parents quite a bit.
Its was beautiful weather on my birthday. I stayed in bed until 3pm. I don't regret it it was nice to just relax for a bit. Today was quite lovely as well. Cloudy but still warm and breezy. I'm going to to miss this weather when winter comes. That's a given though.
I had a hard time a bit last night. I felt muddled and unsure about my future. Hell I graduate this year.

What am I going to do?

Oh and Triple H looks like a lion.

Seems like we're waiting for something. I'm not sure what yet. It goes along with the million and one questions I have to ask.
I'd love to be back down campus, than working on my homework here... frak

So it becomes apparent to one that one needs a life when the evenings course of entertainment is microwaving marshmallow pumpkins in the microwave.  Getting disappointed when they fall over and sad when the crystallized sugar begins to caramelize.
Yep. Oh what a good life.
It has occurred to me that I'm an adult now. At least I feel like an adult now. I'm worrying about adult things and acting in adult ways. My parents asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I could not think of anything. They offered to buy me a hockey jersey (which is frickin' awesome) but I didn't know if I wanted it.  I mean its not exactly functional. When the hell did I start looking for functionality in my life?
Fraaaaaaaak.

So yea. In other news. Going after males is always fun. I'm beginning to understand some of the madness-or maybe not. Anyway, I'm still unsure of what to do. I don't want to wait forever, but I don't really want other people at this point. Maybe I should just scrap together the courage and talk to him. Well... we talk, but I mean like Talk talk. I want to know what he wants. I know what I want (do I really?).
Anyway, wetlands is cancelled tomorrow. I love not having 8am class.

"It's in the color of the trees on the highway
Brilliant with dyin'
It's in the dust we breathe in these days
In your whispers and sighin'
It's in the longest shadows stretching
Into the fallen night
It's in the deep red sun that's settin'
Before we're ready -- blazing out of sight"
                       ~Storyhill